Suicide Doesn’t Simplify Life — Don’t lie to yourself.
WARNING: This article addresses the aftermath of suicide. If you struggle with suicide or find yourself triggered by the topic, please move on to another article.
She was surrounded by a narrative she couldn’t control, a story stuck on repeat.
Colors spread before her in lackluster monochromatic shades. White noise silently filled the air drowning out everything except the ringing of the phone.
“Don’t answer it. Don’t! You KNOW what it is, so don’t TOUCH IT!” She inwardly heard the warning and screams at a depth she wouldn’t have originally believed existed. She felt her soul being ripped apart, shredded one tiny speck at a time.
Numbly, she reached for the receiver and picked up the phone. Her face remained expressionless as she listened for a moment. Then, slowly, she lowered the receiver briefly to her chest and replaced it in the cradle of the phone.
Closing her eyes for a moment, she opened them again to turn and gently push the door open to find her young daughter sitting in front of a mirror. The sun shone brightly through the window, with dust dancing in the sunbeams that fell on the golden hair of the little girl.
“Sweetheart, what are you seeing that makes you so sad?” she queried as she bent over and kneeled down behind her child, scooping her onto her lap.
They were both now sitting on the floor facing the mirror, the young girl wrapped in her mother’s arms. The child had her hands clasped on her lap and looked down as her mom leaned in to kiss her cheek and smile at her through the mirror hugging her firmly.
This was common. Mom often found her daughter practicing sad expressions in the mirror. She had learned it grew from wanting to be an actress and model, able to follow her sister. Mom made the mistake of telling her at an early impressionable age that it takes great skill and you have to be able to fake any emotion, even tears.
“Mom, I can’t cry. I’m not any good.” The blessed child sounded on the verge of a downpour but no tears would come.
Secretly, the mom was grateful but she knew it meant something entirely different for her little girl.
“Hmmm. Ok. Well, can you smile?” Mom posed the question to her daughter in solemn sincerity. No response.
Mom tried again, with a tender wink toward their reflection. “How about a laugh? When you don’t feel like laughing, can you laugh?” Still no response from the small, sad little girl sitting in her mother’s lap.
“Well, you see, that seems to be your problem! Remember how we speed through your multiplications tables?” Mom’s tone had brightened.
The little girl looked to her mother’s face in the mirror with a quizzical expression. “What does that have to do with it?”
Mom smiled at her daughter through the mirror.
“Let’s see how quickly you can show a feeling and make it believable. Ready?”
The child smiled briefly and became serious.
The sunlight grew stronger, burning down on the mother through the window to the side. There was a ringing that grew louder until it pierced the mother’s ears and she wanted to cover them. The room began to feel like it was on fire, and in a flash, everything was gone.
She now stood and looked across the room at her daughter. Years had passed since the earlier memory and her daughter had grown into a beautiful young woman, married, and had four beautiful children of her own. Sunlight streamed through the window as it did so many years ago and fell on the still-golden hair. Her daughter sat on the floor with the youngest and both of them were laughing. Her daughter had developed intensely humorous wit and never missed an opportunity to use it.
“Secrets don’t make friends, Mom!” The daughter was smiling, almost laughing as she noticed her mother watching her.
She smiled back at her daughter, replying, “I don’t have any secrets, so I must have a lot of friends.”
Her daughter looked over at her before grabbing her son and pulling him to her chest, rolling backward and growling as she hugged closely to her chest, the toddler laughing in her arms once again as they resumed their play.
A high-pitched noise began to fill the room, disorienting the mom. Her daughter and grandson seemed not to notice. The light brightened, and in a flash changed again.
Colors lacked the feeling of anything more than lackluster monochromatic shades. White noise silently filled the air drowning out everything except the ringing of the phone.
“Don’t answer it. Don’t! You KNOW what it is, so don’t TOUCH IT! PLEASE! STOP!” She heard the warning and screams again but still couldn’t prevent herself from reaching to answer it. She knew what was coming. It had happened just moments before and this loop wouldn’t end.
Numbly, she reached for the receiver and picked up the phone. Her face remained expressionless as she listened briefly again.
She closed her eyes trying to hold back tears that she knew wouldn’t ever stop.
She opened her eyes and looked forward in the room at her beautiful daughter. She looked down the row beside her at her beautiful grandchildren and the lost expressions on their faces. Slowly she scanned the room for her son-in-law to see him exchanging hugs with some friends. She knew the room was filled with hushed noises and questions which had no answers. But she couldn’t hear a thing.
Sunlight beamed through the stained glass window casting light on her daughter’s beautiful face. She looked peaceful, finally resting in eternal sleep.
“No more chaos in her mind. No more pain in her heart. Peace. The rest of us will never find peace with this.” The thoughts were conversing with themselves in her mind. She knew better than to try to speak.
The mother inhaled slowly, her breath shuddering as she fought to control herself for the sake of the children and grandchildren beside her. She pulled the youngest grandchild onto her lap and scooted closer to the other children, reaching her arm behind them and kissing the top of the head of the granddaughter closest to her.
In the sea of black and white, she saw her son-in-law approaching to be seated beside her. His expression, resolute, spoke volumes and silence consumed the mother surrounding her again as he took his place at the end of the pew. Someone stood, walking to the front, and then began to speak to the family and friends filling the church.
The air burned and she felt the pain of the loop returning again. The sun burned her skin as the world around her disappeared and the screaming that pierced her soul took her back to the pealing of the phone once again.
The nightmare lasts forever. Healing will be elusive. The curse lingers as the mother’s heart suffocated with the anguish and screams for release, holding back tears that threaten to drown her daughter’s family.
This is hell, forever imprisoning them in their isolated presence at this moment in time.
- Suicide is the cause of more than 800,000 deaths every year. It’s important to reach out and talk to someone when you feel the darkness surrounding you. It is undoubtedly a permanent solution to a temporary problem Call someone. Children who lose a parent to suicide are more susceptible to suicide risk, and the rate is increasing in youth.
- Suicide Prevention Hotline, available 24 hours
Multiple languages: 800–273–8255 - For individuals struggling with their mental health, and/or substance abuse, there is an increased risk of suicide — you aren’t alone. Don’t let yourself be shamed into silence.
- Be responsible with your life. Suicide isn’t the same as Physician-Assisted Death. If you are struggling, work with a mental health professional near you to advocate for a better quality of life. We all deserve to be happy-even you! Free text chat is available by texting 741741 in the US.
- It’s difficult to assess accurate numbers for suicide due to some causes of death, such as accidental overdose — or the flip side of the coin, undocumented or assessable numbers for failed suicide attempts. DON’T BE A NUMBER — BE A VOICE!
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